BANISHMENT 10: People Who Use Their Cell Phones Whilst on Public Toilets

I was in Panera today working. This happens a lot because they have free wifi and bagels that involve asiago cheese. After a couple of hours and far too much coffee, I found myself in need of the ladies room and left my editing to hang out with the soups and sandwiches while I went to squat above the glory that is and will always be public toilets.

I was minding my own business in Tinkle Town, somewhere between the squat and expert foot flush, when all of a sudden, from the other side of the metal door, I heard a very unexpected phrase: "Thank you."

This puzzled me immediately. Why was this peeing stranger thanking me? I hadn't so much as passed toilet tissue underneath our adjoining stalls.

But my confusion was quickly rectified when the conversation continued without me.

"Well, you know Fran (and yes, she actually said Fran), you just have to put your foot down. You have to tell them this was the deal from the beginning and they have to uphold their end of the bargain."

And then there was a lot of mmm hmmming.
Hmm. Yes, yes. Hmmm. I understand.

I was appalled. My name was not Fran. She was not telling me to put my foot down. Peeing Stranger had to be participating in the cardinal sin of public bathrooms: she was talking on the phone.

I don't know about you, but the thought of having a nice little chat on the tele while I'm doing my business is a little grotesque. There is all that flushing and swirling and release of bodily fluids. I don't want my friends or colleagues to know what it sounds like when my lunch comes out my opposite end. And I most certainly don't want Peeing Strangers' friends to know whether or not I was going #1 or #2.

With all expediency I did the foot flush, washed my hands, and exited the bathroom. I was afraid, should I linger any longer, that I'd be tempted to send her cellular device down the commode with her whiz, pulling a Jackie Chan kick in of the stall door. Next time I doubt I'll be so kind.